Moved.

The Ninth Tale.

Monday, December 21, 2009

That Near-Death Experience (NDE)

Time to be frank.
This pain in my head has been around for quite some time, throughout the last week.
So, it wasn't necessarily the H1N1 vaccine side-effects. But strangely, after that jab, on Saturday morning and Sunday morning, the pain seemed to be extremely potent and neurotically biting...

Medication Information for Patients on the Pandemic (H1N1) Vaccine

What are the side effects of the vaccine?
The common side effects of the H1N1 vaccine include pain, redness or swelling at the site of injection...

...

Occasionally, vaccines may cause some other generalised side effects such as fever, headache....

...

these side effects may be caused by the vaccine or may be symptoms of a coincidental illness such as a viral infection. Again, these side effects usually resolve in a few days.
Some patients may also experience febrile seizures.

Very rarely, vaccines may cause severe allergic reactions and anaphylaxis in patients. They may feel severe anxiety, headaches, itchy skin rash, swelling of the lips and face difficulty in breathing. There have been reports overseas of several cases caused by the possible association between the 2009 H1N1 vaccination and onset of Guillain-Barré Syndrome (GBS), a rare and sometimes, severe condition affecting the body's nerves and neurosystem. However, the link with this vaccine and GBS is not definite.

...

But nonetheless, most mornings without fail, a few minutes after I awake I will have that pseudo-headache and I could feel the blood pressure building up and the difficulty of my head to receive it.
i.e. change of lying down position when sleeping to standing up position.

At first, I thought it was the time lag from the Absolut Vodka in post-prom. Then, I thought it was just my head's ability to predict weather because it always seem stormy and cloudy and rained, especially with Singapore's warning for flash floods and quasi-monsoon this weekend...

But I guess that were just simply self-comfort. Maybe there is something really wrong inside me. I should go to a hospital soon and check it out.

Today...woah...it was simply epic.
Never have I felt such a melodramatic physical pain in my life.
Never...
I'm scared.

It scares me, y'know.
Some of you may be thinking I'm seeking attention, fabricating pity, or whatever, but fuck man, it was as hell as any human brain and skull can ever feel.

It scares me, y'know.
That I would drop dead one day.
Anytime, when fate calls, we go.
Life is like that, it can take you places and it can take you away.

Where would I be?
On the road, on my bed never to open those eyes, in the fieldcamp, in the jungle, on the train, in a foreign place, in the hospital during an operation...

It scares me to know that this is surreal.
That I am, really, feeling a NDE at this age.
I'm too young to die man, if it is my time in 2012, I will go happily, along with the billions of lives. That is inevitable.
But just....not now. Okay, fate?
Not when everything's unfinished.
Not when I have tons of things to tell tons of people, stories to share.
Not when I still have scores to settle, flames to extinguish, apologies to be made...

Not when I still have something I've been wanting, trying, to tell someone...tell...her.
...and those words that will never seem to appear from my mouth ever again.

Not after everything that has happened.
And everything that will.

Sometimes in life, we accept that there are always things that are inevitable, unobtainable, times we always fall when we try and feelings that your heart will never have for some things.

This ain't over yet. It can't be.

Written at 1:11 AM

Written at 1:11 AM